he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize