Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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