Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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