Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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