you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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