im six kinds of drunk right now
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
