she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
