plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
