he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
