I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
