worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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