dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i already hear my dad disowning me
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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