i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
