I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
