I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
that may or may not have been my penis.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
