Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
