I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
