yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
