Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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