I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Everything about him screamed your future.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
