My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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