one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
