I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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