what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
