We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
