so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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