my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize