So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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