To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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