I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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