She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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