Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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