I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
