What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
