they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
