I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
