Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
