he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
