I just saw a hot homeless man
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
