How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
