i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
