Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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