We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize