I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
