So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
