my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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