Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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