I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
