People in love make me want to vomit
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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