so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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