Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I wish there were birth control emojis
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
