I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
MIDGETS
????
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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