I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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