P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
