I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize