Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize