You just made me feel so damn special
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
