Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize