Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
