You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
