I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
