Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
