Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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