the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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