Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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