Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
